What Are You Saying?
In my previous posting about drawing others out to talk to you, I mentioned that one reason they will not is a fear of not being heard or of being misunderstood. Here are some tips to help:
1) Don't interrupt. Don't comment on what the other is saying and don't try to complete the other person's thought. It is good to give verbal signals that you are listening, but when you interrupt to give comment, it is possible that you are communicating that your interest lies more in what you have to say than in understanding the person talking.
2) Ask questions. The other says something like, "I struggle with keeping up my Bible reading." Don't then give advice on how to have a daily quiet time. Instead, ask probing questions. "When do you read your Bible?" "What keeps you from reading it daily?" "What happened yesterday?" etc. By asking questions, you demonstrate desire to hear the other person. You also help him to think through whatever issue he may be struggling with. By not asking questions, your helpful advice becomes hit or miss. You may or may not be touching on real solutions or even the real issues. Daily Bible reading may not have been the person's issue, but rather a besetting sin that he is struggling under, of which the poor Bible reading discipline is merely a sympton.
3) Repeat what you have been told. This is not merely parroting what has been said, but offering a paraphrase. The goal is to clarify that you have heard what the other has said and understand his perspective. This latter point is crucial. "You said you hate ministering with _____." That may be an accurate quote, but more insightful would be to respond, "You are saying that you have difficulty ministering with _____ because he does not listen to your ideas." The other person will either affirm your understanding or correct it. In either case, you demonstrate that you are trying first to understand before giving comment.
1) Don't interrupt. Don't comment on what the other is saying and don't try to complete the other person's thought. It is good to give verbal signals that you are listening, but when you interrupt to give comment, it is possible that you are communicating that your interest lies more in what you have to say than in understanding the person talking.
2) Ask questions. The other says something like, "I struggle with keeping up my Bible reading." Don't then give advice on how to have a daily quiet time. Instead, ask probing questions. "When do you read your Bible?" "What keeps you from reading it daily?" "What happened yesterday?" etc. By asking questions, you demonstrate desire to hear the other person. You also help him to think through whatever issue he may be struggling with. By not asking questions, your helpful advice becomes hit or miss. You may or may not be touching on real solutions or even the real issues. Daily Bible reading may not have been the person's issue, but rather a besetting sin that he is struggling under, of which the poor Bible reading discipline is merely a sympton.
3) Repeat what you have been told. This is not merely parroting what has been said, but offering a paraphrase. The goal is to clarify that you have heard what the other has said and understand his perspective. This latter point is crucial. "You said you hate ministering with _____." That may be an accurate quote, but more insightful would be to respond, "You are saying that you have difficulty ministering with _____ because he does not listen to your ideas." The other person will either affirm your understanding or correct it. In either case, you demonstrate that you are trying first to understand before giving comment.
posted by M Clark at 5/27/2005 02:30:00 PM
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