Why Won't People Talk to Me?

Have you asked that question, perhaps about your spouse or children or friends? Two common reasons others will not open up to you are 1) fear of judgment and 2) fear of not being heard (misunderstood).

Regarding the first cause, understand that the answer is not to avoid making judgments. If someone is presenting sin, then sin needs to be recognized and dealt with. Judgment, per se, is not the issue; it is the manner in which you respond. Paul says in Galatians 6:1 to restore the sinner in a "spirit of gentleness."

Here are some practical tips to achieve this:

1) Understand that you are giving signals through your facial and body expressions. A grim or shocked expression tells the other that he has disappointed you, and he will shut down or fumble his words, not really expressing what he needs to say. You need to express in your face and body that you want to hear and that you are not shocked by the confession. (After all, we should not be shocked to discover sin, considering our depraved natures. Sin should bother us, but not surprise us.) You need to nod your head, indicating that you are listening and for him to continue. You need to look him in the eye.

2) Patiently listen. Do not weigh in before he has finished, except to clarify a comment made.

3) Repeat what you have heard to make sure that you have heard correctly and that he has expressed himself correctly.

4) Avoid such responses as: "How could you...?" "I don't believe this!" "I would never have done that." "I don't understand how a Christian could this." "Why didn't you tell me before?" These kind of phrases shift the focus on you. Instead of focus being on the actual behavior of the other person, it now shifts to him having to deal with your emotions.

5) After these steps, then weigh in as appropriate - identifying sin, correcting error, etc.

But do so conveying the following:
- though the sin is real, God's grace is the reality under which we are to put everything in perspective;
- that you will come alongside to help, not merely form judgment;
- that his sin, though he should feel shame for it, does not mark him as cut off from other Christians (again, we might be distinguished from one another by the specific sins we commit, we all share the same bond of being sinners who break all the commandments in one form or another);

Once he has opened up to you and found that you did not reject him, but have shown understanding love and wisdom, he will all the more share his heart.